From Chapter 3: The Vaccine Decision
Journal February 10, 2005
"I awake - can't go back to sleep - I'm aware I have been feeling uneasy the past three weeks with the almost frenetic well wishes: 'Praying for a miracle,' 'You can beat this,' 'You're curable." What I'm uneasy about is that I have not been into that frenzy. I have been ready to accept Anne's death. I have had no prayer of petition to save Anne's life - thus I have been out of sync with all of Anne's friends and some relatives. This has made me feel uneasy. Is there something wrong with me?"
From Chapter 5: Seizing Every Moment
We are experiencing a living that is new to us. It is now so clear, the dying is bodily only. The spirit, the love, has blossomed and flourished with a new life, a new quality. In the very midst of the pain, sadness, sporadic fears and confusions, both of us have come alive in a new way.
From Chapter 10: In Dying We Live
Journal September 11, 2005
"Anne's life these past months has been an announcement - death is natural, death is part of life, death is not to be feared. And in our culture, so afraid of death, this announcement has helped people around us take a good look at this. A few have told us that their views, their feelings about death have been altered."
From Chapter 12: The Mystery of Sadness
Journal one year, two months after Anne died
"A thought came to me just now that had a flavor of newness to it, be it a deeper conviction or perhaps even a new thought entirely. The thought - life is never going to be as great as it was with Anne. That's the reality. Accept it. The accepting of this reality had a 'freeing' feeling attached to it. Somehow I felt stronger."
From Chapter 14: The Disappearance of God
For the first time in my life, my firm belief in God began to weaken. It wasn't that I had any beef with God, but God just became unimportant to me during the 10 months of Anne's dying. That unimportance continued after her death. Then one day I had what I call my first agnostic experience; it was very empowering. I began to rethink how my faith in God developed and the nature of "faith" itself.
Journal two months after Anne died
"It was a weird, strange ten months of living with Anne and not the 'God' figure. Perhaps the God-in-Anne was the reality - in loving Anne I was in touch with God without the name God coming into play. Could God simply be the energy of loving?"
From Chapter 17: What To Do About Death
I think living alone, the depth of feelings I've had since Anne's death, and expressing myself in my Journal have contributed to my experiencing the reality of mystery. I experience this sense of living in mystery more deeply than at any other time in my life. I am happy that I am at peace with not knowing. It has awakened some sort of an ability to surrender to "not knowing." I feel that I can trust this mystery. Sometimes I experience it as a benign, living reality. It is a peaceful experience.
From Chapter 18: Do I Want Another Love?
Journal a year and nine months after Anne's death
"As I have been living alone since Anne died I have had no person present to me 24 hours around the clock; a person present to me whose presence challenged, or better, beckons love from me. With such a person with whom intimacy is part of the relationship, I can grow out of practice in being loving and generous."
From Chapter 19: Special Reflections and Events
The experience of being lifeless
"I awoke this morning at 5:30, eyes still burning. Got up, but felt tired and went back to bed. I felt a moment of having no energy at all. I felt I could do nothing. It was a moment of lifelessness as it were. It was an experience devoid of any feeling. I was quite content just to die. I felt grateful for this experience as it deepened my understanding that to die is a contented, peaceful feeling."
From Chapter 20: Where From, Where To
I live in serenity and peace at this time. I trust the force of nature and life and this mystery in which I am embedded. I trust in not knowing or in having to know.